Recovery

veri slowly but surely im trying to patch up the wounds,
dat were inflicted on me juz moments ago.
the hurt caused by mere words,
that are more painful than it actuali seems.

im giving myself time to make the right decision…16 more months to be exact.
i dont want to regret the decision dat i make coz ive got to live with dat decision for the rest of my life.
wateva i decide on will affect not onli me but him and our families too.
im not saying dat he’s not the one for me.
im so scared dat i maybe the one to fail and dissapoint him one day.
i know who i am and how i am.
i rather leave den hurt his feelings.
he said dat if i ever leave him, there will never be another coz im the one for him, now and foreva.
but neva say neva.
i know that anywhere out there, he can always find someone who is way better den me.
someone who’s exactly the way he desires.
im juz not feeling dat im the one for him.

i love him more den life itself.
i knoe that he loves me as much as i love him and mayb more.
but i’ve always believed dat love is not everyting.

in the mean time im trying hard to forgive and mayb forget wat haf been said to me.
coz if dose hurtful words linger on, im scared love may slowly turn to hate.
but how do i forget when i was insulted and felt so violated?
how do i forget when i was forced to make a promise dat i didnt believe in?
and how do i forget when all dat happened made me feel so inadequate and useless in his eyes?

now all self esteem and confidence is gone.
i feel so tiny and insignificant.
im juz a selfish person who is a burden to all dat matters.

Choice

even lovers part one day, by choice or by fate….rite Mira?
den i wan to be strong enuf to make dat choice.
but i am not..

Dead

a part of me died today…
buried deep in a grave.
maybe one day when the time is right…
my soul will completely disperse..
and leave me an emotionless and souless person.
with juz a body to call my own.
when that day comes…
den i’ll be can who i reali am.
till then God please give me the strength,
to carry on…
to be strong…
to make the right decisions,
and not regret my actions…
to carry on living till my time here is up.

for now let me be the person who i am not.
for now let me put on a fake smile.
for now let me be pretend to be happy.
for now let desire what i actually dont.

one day when i am strong enough,
to let go of everything,
and be alone,
independent,
of my feelings and actions.

When will that day be?

PMS

I hate it wen I get my menses! I tink I felt more happier wen I didnt get my menses for nearly a year, few years ago. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

Normal women get their PMS during their menses rite?? For me, 2 weeks before my menses is due, all parts of my body will start aching (well u know which parts) and I feel like such an old woman. Not onli dat, I’ll start feeling super, super sensitif. I cry at the tiniest stoopid ting…its like my eyes are waterpipes and tears can juz flow every few minutes. Da bloody annoying ting is somtimes dere’s no reason for me to cry. I juz feel dis overwhelming of sadness. I also dont know why I feel sad. I feel juz so depressed. I get angry and annoyed easily too by people’s actions, which is so bad and so not like me.

Da bez part will be me and Dear will quarrel for the stupidest reason coz I’ll find fault at his slightest actions or I’ll have dis moody outlook and I’ll cry in front of him and he’ll get pissed off at me and I’ll get double pissed off at him coz he got pissed off at me in the first place. But I cant expect a guy to understand wen I cry for no apparent reason. Dear always need a reason wen I cry coz he tinks I cry bcoz of somting he did.

I am so not in the mood to do anyting rite now. I juz wanna lie down on the bed and stare at the ceiling. I wasted da whole day yesterday juz lying down on the bed feeling like crap staring at the TV but not watching it, wen I should be reading my sastera notes which is in one big pile.

I’m hating the world rite now!